Why I Paint the Full Moon and Rainbows: What My Late Husband Taught Me About Beauty After Loss
It’s my late husband’s birthday today… And even though it’s been 13 years since he died, I never know how to deal with this day. Sometimes I want to just be the embodiement of that quote, “Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened.” but these days that kind of feels toxic to me. Sometimes I want to just lay in bed all day and cry and watch movies.
The first few years, I kept a strict tradition of eating his favorite ice cream, having an IBC root beer, and watching one of his favorite movies like Braveheart, or The Patriot…but eventually I stopped because it felt lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I have the most incredible partner now who even did the grocery shopping to get the ice cream and root bear sometimes…it just didn’t feel like the thing to do after a while.
One year, I locked myself in a room and painted like crazy. I intuitively just painted rainbows and moons that looked like tunnels and called them “My Rainbow Babies,” but I never really released them.
I know, I know…a rainbow baby is a baby you have with your partner after you lose a child. They are a gift from the universe. And even though I didn’t lose my child, I did lose every possibility of a family with him. The life I had planned, just gone completely.
But now, I still have a beautiful life, an incredible partner who understands and supports me, the best doggies ever, I’ve traveled the world, my life has been touched by so many wonderful souls, I get to see the beauty in every single moment. That is my rainbow. My life, my tunnel, the moon is glowing no matter the darkness.
And I know without a doubt that is exactly what Nick would consider a gift.
Recently…I ran his birth chart, which is definitely not something he would have been into. But I found it incredibly comforting and romantic and beautiful to know that Nick’s moon sign, Sagittarius, happens to be my sun sign. I was and am his moon. And I always will be.